By Lady Cheeky

In this fast food culture, women’s sexual release is often relegated to the back of the bus.  Nowhere is this more evident than in the female orgasm and how it’s attained.

As a woman who went on a sexual discovery journey I learned a few things on the way about orgasms in general and orgasms for women specifically. For instance, an orgasm should be thought of  not as the climax of a specific act, but should include the act itself. Candice Holdorf, columnist for The Orgasmic Life and elephant journal has a definition of orgasm that really resonated with me. Candice explains:

“... orgasm is pulsing breath of life that births every moment. Orgasm is the chilly tickle on the edge of my skin as my lover draws his tongue from the edge of my ear to the tip of my nipple. It’s the warm flush in my face and genitals when I reveal a taboo desire.  It is the fire of my hunger and the blazing force that opens me to pleasure.”

This definition of orgasm refers to all-encompassing act where a woman can fully take advance of and surrender to all the pleasures that lead up to her climax. But how can we achieve this heightened state?

Give Yourself Permission

I’m not being patronizing. As women we do it all, we are breadwinners, mothers, students, career women and a lot more. We do so much for others on a daily basis that we sometimes forget that it is just as important (if not more so) to nurture ourselves with as much care. When you are in the position to be receiving an orgasm, whether it’s by yourself or with a partner, take a moment to recognize that this is your time. Give yourself permission to accept the love and the pleasure that comes with such an intimate act. Relax into the moment with deep breaths and stilling your mind. Concentrate on how your partner is touching you (or you are touching yourself.) Allow the glorious feelings that come with this directed touch to reverberate within and use it as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with yourself and/or your partner i.e. your needs, your pleasure zones, your relaxation.  This is a time to connect intimately with your partner and even with yourself.

Let Your Senses Guide You

Your senses are your best friend in orgasm, they communicate with you by their degree of intensity. Don’t forget about them and let them happen. Pay attention to what they are telling you. Do you get goose bumps when she flicks her tongue on your belly button? Do you get wet when he kisses your neck? Do you flinch with pleasure when you massage your mons? Your body’s various levels of response to certain stimulation is information about how you like to cum and it’s not all physical either. What your partner whispers in your ear can lead to a visceral response as well. Even the music you play or pure silence punctuated with your own breathing and moans could be something that excites you. Whatever it is, make note of it and communicate it with your partner later (or show him by moans and groans while he’s doing it) or if flying solo, make a mental note for yourself for next time.

Set The Stage

Respect the time you’ve set aside for orgasm and make certain you don’t inadvertently set yourself up to fail.  If you’re anxiously awaiting a call from work in an hour, chances are you won’t be able to fully relax into your body and be present. Make sure you honor this time and set the stage for an intimate and sexy rendezvous with yourself and/or your partner. Do candles get you in the mood? Light ‘em up! Does Enya make you feel sultry? Pop her in the iPod. Maybe you feel sexy naked or like to lounge about in just a bra? Perhaps you like to be in the dark or in a freshly made bed? Whatever it is, don’t be stingy. This is YOUR time and you should make it count.

Try Something New and Different

Something I have been interested in exploring lately is Orgasmic Meditation, or “OMing” for short. OMing is a mindfulness practice where the object of focus is the clitoris. Developed by Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, OMing is an exercise done in its entirety with a partner (although it can be practiced on one’s own) and promotes the slow massaging of the clitoris and surrounding vulva. The apparent result is a blissfully languorous indulgence for the woman where all attention is placed on making her feel good, becoming more intimately connected as a couple as well as extending the “sensory peak” that precedes climax. As someone who likes to practice what she preaches, this is my new “taking charge of my own orgasm” goal. Having explored many different ways to achieve a diverse fare of orgasms, I look forward to trying this practice and reporting back my results. Wish me luck!

All in all, the basic message here is to remain open and self-aware. Men and women both deserve to take advantage of all the pleasure human body is capable of. Besides being enjoyable, orgasm is a natural and free way to achieve stress relief, a built-in mood equalizer and just plain fun! Explore your potential and allow yourself the freedom to come … and come … and come!

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By Dr. Ava Cadell

It’s that time of year again when we give thanks for the bountiful pleasures we’re lucky to enjoy in our lives throughout the year. Thanksgiving is about reflecting on all of the people and things we love in our lives – food, family, friends, relaxation, great conversation – and great sex!

Sexuality plays such an important role in our lives whether we have a partner or not. There have been sonographic observations of in utero fetal masturbation, proving that our sexuality begins in the womb! It’s a basic instinct in humans, and we are sexual beings from beginning to end. So I think it’s important to give thanks for that sexuality and nurture it in order to continue improving it!

When you pay attention to a specific part of your life and hold gratitude for what you possess in that area, you attract more positive energy toward that space. So why not show gratitude for your sexuality and begin to draw more fulfilling pleasure to yourself?

What are some things you can do right now to improve your sex life through sexual gratitude?

-    Take a long, relaxing bubble bath alone or with your partner
-    Give yourself a satisfying orgasm with a new toy
-    Thank your partner for their attention to your body
-    Ask your partner what they would like to try in the bedroom
-    Wear your favorite underwear to feel sexy, even if you’re just grocery shopping for your holiday dinner!

Gratitude is enormously powerful. It is more potent than any pill on the market in the way it positively affects our emotions. Studies show that grateful people are healthier, live with less stress and have more energy for their daily lives, which of course includes love and sex. So don’t take your sexuality for granted or simply ignore it. Nurture it and show your gratitude instead.

To invest in your own wellbeing, start a gratitude journal and write something down that you are grateful for every single day. “Today I am so grateful for ______________ and feel the flow of positive energy in your mental, physical and spiritual self.

As busy people, we have so much going on in our heads that sometimes we forget to pay attention to our physical selves. Everyone believes that Thanksgiving is all about food, but this year challenge yourself to include passion and sex on your to-do list. And while you’re at it, you can combine the two and enjoy some powerful aphrodisiacs with your holiday meal!

So when you’re giving thanks this November, make sure you take a moment to bolster your sexuality. It’s so important to our ongoing peace of mind, our bodily relaxation, and just plain being in a good mood!

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By Josie Brown

School returns every September, but when it comes to teaching a guy what you want in bed, class is always in session.

Take care, however, and remember that men don’t like lectures (unless you’re playing the naughty school teacher) but they do welcome any and all information about what makes a woman hum with sexual satisfaction.

Here’s a quick passion primer:

Lead By Example

This is always the best approach. For instance, set the mood in the bedroom. Candles, music, some special yummies like strawberries and melted chocolate are always a smart start. A little wine and the sweet sexy words that you whisper in his ear will have him purring like a found kitten.

Talk Dirty To Him

Let him know all about your needs and desires. A woman’s body takes a little TLC to turn on and heat up, so don’t be afraid to speak up! Start by saying, “I love it when you do this...” or “It feels great when you do that...” This will cause him to instinctively rise to your suggestions.

Big hint: sexy suggestions are very different from giving over-heated demands. Even if you find yourself in a frenzy, remember that no man wants to get into bed with a sex kitten who transforms into a boot camp instructor. If you’re shouting “faster, slower, higher, or lower…” constantly, then chances are neither of you are having a good time.

Never Compare Your Partner To Another Guy

Don’t ever say something like, “You’re so much better than any guy I’ve been with..” Men take their sex very personally. They may act flattered, but in their feverish minds they quickly begin to wonder, “How many guys is she comparing me to, and when will I be replaced by the next guy coming up the ladder?” Simply let your body do the talking. Soft moans, loud groans - be natural!

Train Him Not To Roll Over And Play Dead After His Orgasm

Introduce him to little sex games that will continue to arouse his interest. Men stupidly assume that women function sexually in much the same way as they do. Of course, you know better, so show and show rather than show and tell. Rubbing, nibbling, licking demonstrates to him how you would like much the same.

Teach Him The Joy Of After-Sex Snuggling

Make it something that he loves by rewarding him with some special favors of your own. Show him a few places where his touch has a magical power over you and where the gentle lick of his tongue pleases you beyond his imaginings. Then do the same for him.

In truth, men live to please their mates. Oh sure, they love the feel of their own powerful orgasms. But you can move his focus above and beyond that momentary explosive release.

You can teach him to master the art of love.

It’s a course in which every man (whether they will ever admit it or not) is hoping to receive an “A.”

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At the point of orgasm, or climax, energy is literally released throughout the body and causes a strong tightening of most muscles in the body, especially the vaginal muscles...

By Gwenn Harper

When I was younger and less experienced it didn’t occur to me that I was having deficient sex. It thought it was fun to be naked with someone else and as for orgasms, well that was something I took care of on my own. In private. And I was happy. But as I got older and my partners more sophisticated, a trend has started to emerge -- their all consuming need for me to orgasm. Correction. Their need for me to orgasm as a direct result of them being inside of me. Now, instead of having a bit of mindless fun I have a directive, a clearly defined goal to achieve and to be honest, it hasn’t been going too well.

Denial

“That was great.”

“What do you mean? Of course I did!”

“No, seriously, it was great.”

Most people expect cuddling and soft words after sex. Or at least some well-earned sleep. For me, it’s show time and I’m about as relaxed as a hostile witness about to take the stand.  Now, I appreciate my boyfriend’s (we’ll call him X) interest in my happiness but X’s concern quickly becomes wounded pride. He simply can't understand. How can I not have had an orgasm when his other lovers always did? Every time? At which point I mentally congratulate the superior acting jobs done by my predecessors.

Because that’s what it turns into. No amount of reassurance on my part can convince him I’m satisfied. It doesn’t matter that I’m able to enjoy myself without the big finish. No, it’s just not “real” unless he's made me orgasm. And so starts my homage to every porn or European art house flick I’ve ever seen. I’ve gotten pretty good at it. With only a few missteps my performances have become more nuanced and convincing over the years. But it requires a great deal of attention and I wind up focusing on performing instead of on what I’m actually feeling, therefore creating a vicious circle of faking an orgasm because I’m not having one which I’m not having because I’m so busy faking one. This naturally leads to:

Anger

This is a wide net covering many, many aspects of my sexual life. For instance, anger at myself for feeling like such a failure in bed. Anger at my boyfriend for needing to satisfy me -- according to his standards.

Who’s at fault? If I’m going to take an empowered stance then I have to take responsibility and say me. I shouldn’t be letting anybody push me out of myself. I shouldn’t be so worried about taking care of X emotionally that I deny myself during what has to be life’s most intimate and primal moment of self-satisfaction. And yet, there I am focused on the other so exclusively I’m not paying attention to myself at all. I may as well be giving him a haircut or a back rub that's how out of my body I am at times. Case in point: I got a call once from a poll-taker. I forget what it was this man so badly needed my two cents on, but I felt charitable enough to take the time to rate my agreement from one to five as he read out statements from his notes. It was on about the fifth or sixth question when my boyfriend at the time emerged – naked – from my bedroom wondering what the hell was keeping me. I’d managed to completely forget I was having sex.

You’re thinking, “Who does that?” Actually, it’s easier than you think. Just before the call my then boyfriend had been getting worked up that I wasn’t enjoying myself "enough" and had been analyzing my reactions to such an extent that the fun of the moment had long since died off.  Sex had morphed once again into a carefully timed routine aimed at making HIM feel okay. At least with the polltaker my opinions mattered.

And then there’s the anger I feel towards society at large. When you aren’t having penile induced orgasms it seems that everybody else in the world is. They write songs about this, make movies about this, print books and host dedicated chat rooms about this. And there I am, the lone, still being in a world apparently shuddering its way through the universe in one, continually ongoing orgasm. What’s a girl got to do to get off?

Bargaining

I’m Catholic, so it’s only natural that prayer, at some point, be brought into the equation. Once, while having sex, I prayed the entire time to Archangel Raphael for an orgasm. This isn’t as weird as you think when you realize that, one, Raphael is the angel of healing and two, the Raphael I pray to looks remarkably like Michael Fassbender. I made promises to eat better, pray more, donate to charity, if he’d just, only, let me stay focused enough to, just this once, cause it’s almost, I can tell, and there! no, it’s, wait… No. No, no, it’s not, yeah that… didn’t work.

A few years ago I tried to imply a deal with God whereby my muted sexuality would be worth it if He would bless me with tremendous talent. I figured I would forego having sex altogether and simply channel the excess energy into riches and fame… Have you ever heard of me? Yeah, I didn’t think so. You can see how well that panned out. Plus, I was too distracted from constantly thinking about sex to accomplish anything.

I’ve also bargained with boyfriend X hoping to just let the orgasm matter slide for a while. He is unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, far too hip to my ways to be fooled by a(n) (awesome) performance.

For a while we cycled between the bargaining and the anger stages. X was angry with himself for, as he saw it, failing me. I was angry at him for turning something fun into a kind of test that I felt like I was flunking before we’d even started, and I was angry at myself for even having such a ridiculous problem to begin with. It's embarrassing after years of focusing exclusively on my partners to say out loud what it was I wanted. And for that matter, did I even know what I wanted?

Depression

It’s a sad state of affairs when you realize you have the sexual sophistication of the average 10th grader. How can an otherwise successful woman let such a huge part of her life go fallow for so long? What was wrong with me? This went beyond the Catholic thing; it felt like a fundamental flaw in my character, in the blueprint of who I am. Again, I had this feeling that I was alone in the great rocking van of the sky.

Logically of course I know that many other women go through what I go through. But it doesn’t feel like it. And even though I’m confident and outspoken in other parts of my life, having a sit down with my nearest and dearest about my lack of partner assisted orgasms juuuust isn’t something I can do with great ease. But I have started to talk to a few close girlfriends after many, many, many, many, many, many drinks and finally opened up on my big secret.

“So do you, you know?”

Completely blank stare from friend.

“Huh?”

“Do you, you know…when, with like sex, when…you know!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Do you have…” I make hand gestures that in no way relate to what I’m trying to say but look more like I’m doing some cracked out ‘wheels on the bus’ thing.

“Do I have? Gwenn, are you trying to say ‘orgasm’?”

At which point I walk away.

“Get back here!”

And I do, eventually, come back. Because I’m finally at a stage in life where my embarrassment over things is not enough to stop me, is second to my desire to finally enjoy sex to the fullest extent. Which brings me to:

Acceptance

I accept that having an orgasm from penetration is something I'm going to have to work towards but I no longer accept my boyfriend's theory that one way is better than another or that I even need to have an orgasm for sex to be satisfying.

I accept that I have blocks I want to get past, only now I want to get past them to satisfy myself and not someone else's vision of what satisfying sex looks like.

After far too long I’m finally reclaiming sex and having it on my terms. And while progress hasn’t happened overnight it is happening. Who knows, pretty soon I may understand what all those songs are about.

By Nikki Leigh

Let’s be honest. Men just do not understand women. But, women don’t really understand men either. So – what should we do? Let’s start with some information about female sexuality for the men. Ladies, if you’re honest, do you really understand your sexuality? There is information here that will help men and women to understand the mystique of female sexuality better.

I’ll be honest that for many years I avoided any real consideration about my sexuality or anyone else’s. For years I’d been told that “nice girls” don’t know that sort of thing and they certainly shouldn’t ask questions. Well, I’m here to tell you that during my coaching training, I got past that mentality. It is very liberating and empowering to understand and to be in touch with your sexuality. It’s very satisfying to “feel comfortable in your own skin” and being comfortable with yourself – and that includes your sexuality.

You will benefit by understanding your partner’s sexuality. That gives you a much better idea of who they are on a deeper level and… a better information about how to please them.

There are five key elements to a woman’ sexuality:

1. Accept your sexuality – embrace it, don’t be ashamed of it
2. Understand and acknowledge what arouses and stimulates you
3. Understand your body and be proud of it, even the imperfections
4. Give yourself permission to “let go” and surrender to pleasure
5. Take responsibility for your own orgasms – don’t expect anyone to “give” you orgasms

Let’s dig deeper into each of these elements of female sexuality. First, you need to accept your sexuality. It is a part of who you are and understanding that is acceptable and very beneficial for you and your partner. Society, family, friends and/or religion can have a very detrimental effect on how we view our sexuality. These factors can cause us to suppress our sexual feelings, needs and desires. Go ahead, be human and enjoy the sensations.

Second, you need to know what arouses and stimulates you. This is important for you personally, but it’s also important for your partner. How can you help your partner please you — if you don’t know what pleases you? You will learn to understand what you like and what pleases you – in many different ways.  Once you understand what pleases you, share these things through open, honest and positive communication with your partner. Then, encourage your partner to communicate what they want and need from you.

Third, learn about your body. Do you know the various parts of your genital anatomy? If not, you should get to know each part and to learn more about those parts of your body. Your partner would also benefit from learning more about your anatomy. For diagrams to learn the actual location of the various parts of the female and male anatomy, visit http://lovecoachjourney.com/female-anatomy/

Fourth, give yourself permission – mentally, emotionally and physically – to give in to complete and total pleasure. There are too many women who have been “programmed” to feel guilty when they are aroused. This is just one of the things that can make it difficult or impossible for women to orgasm. These things make it difficult if not impossible to have a very satisfying sex life. Dr Ava Cadell, a mentor of mine says, “love is a beautiful gift for someone who is deserving of you.” Making love with someone deserving of your love – intimately surrendering to them completely can be one of the most beautiful and satisfying things you will experience.

Fifth, men may not like this, but women need to take responsibility for their own orgasms. We want our partner to learn how to stimulate us and to work with us and facilitate our pleasure – but we need to take responsibility for reaching orgasms and allowing ourselves to “let go” and surrender. How often have we heard someone say they “gave” their partner an orgasm? Not to bust your bubble or puncture your ego, but orgasm begins in the mind and while a partner can do many wonderful things to facilitate orgasm – the individual needs to take personal responsibility for their own orgasms.
This is only the beginning of the details about female sexuality. We have much more to discuss in future posts. These are things that a Relationship Coach can help you to develop in your own life.  Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

By - Nikki Leigh, award winning author, Relationship Coach, Master Sexpert and founder of Love Prints Relationship Coaching – This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it