By Dani Alpert

Have you ever wanted to reenact the striptease scene from the movie 9 1/2 Weeks with you cast in the Kim Basinger role? Do you secretly believe that Carmen Electra can’t can’t hold a candle to your bumps and grinds?

There is a plethora of information out there in articles, videos and books, that tackle that age old question, “How To Perform The Perfect Striptease.” Whether you’re a novice or an exotic dancer slash college student, you can learn how to strip for your man (or woman) in just 45 1/2 easy steps. These guides include tips on how to make your striptease more cardio, wardrobe suggestions, films to watch for inspiration, as well as suggested song playlists, so that you can keep perfect time while seductively peeling off of your clothes,

However, no one is talking about, or writing about (that is until now) the dirty little secret about stripping. How does one pull off (pun intended) a striptease when you can’t stop laughing. That’s right, how do you strip without giggling?

I did a striptease a few years back, in a one-person show (me being the one person) and midway through a rehearsal, I became self conscious and the striptease turned into a comedy routine right out of an episode of, I Love Lucy. I couldn’t take it seriously. I always thought that only a certain type of woman could strip without being laughed at, and I wasn’t that woman. It wasn’t until maturity and self confidence kicked in that I fancied myself just as good, if not better, than any stripper out there. This happened only when I started taking myself seriously.

The first step in ending the giggle, is to take yourself and the striptease seriously. The key to performing a top notch giggle-free striptease has everything to do with how you see and feel about yourself. For the record, there isn’t just one kind of woman that performs stripteases. Stripping is for everyone. It’s all attitude. And pole strength. But mainly attitude.

I watched the 9 1/2 Weeks scene again and I saw that Kim Basinger was not only sexy but that she was also playful, and nervously laughing. I’m not saying that belly laughing, with the potential of a snort or snot coming out of the nose is acceptable and a turn on,  because it’s not. It is, however, okay to be yourself, maintain a sense of play, and be authentic.

Knowing what makes you giggle is the first step to recovery. Are you embarrassed? Are you afraid that your partner will laugh at you? Are you afraid that he/she don’t see you in the stripper-like light? Have you been visually ambushed by the Victoria’s Secret models, so that no matter what you do or how shaved you are, you feel that you will never measure up?

Confidence is sexy. It should be worn like another layer of clothing that does not need to be shed. If performing a striptease is out of your comfort zone (even though the interest is there) thus making you chuckle, here are some ideas that may stave off fits of laughter as you unhook your garter.

Act The Part

You’ve just been cast as the hot and sexy stripper in a movie. This is a fantasy come true. Ready, set, strip.

Safety First

Make sure that you’re in a safe, supportive and judgement- free environment. A striptease is probably not a first or second date activity. It’s like not ordering corn on the cob on your first or fourth date with a new lover.

Comfortable Clothing

You will be peeling off layers, but wearing something that makes you feel good is paramount. There are plenty of choices and there are no rules. Both Kim and Demi showed us that a men’s white button down Oxford is classic and boner inducing.

Forget Everything That You’ve Seen

Do not compare your striptease to those that you have seen in movies or on television shows on cable. That gorgeous and flattering light in the scene took two hours to set up, the cameraman was probably an Oscar winning cinematographer, the actress spent three hours in hair and make-up and there was a Tony Award Winning Broadway choreographer blocking her every shimmy, back arch and hip swivel. It’s not real life.

Plan and Practice

As the old joke goes, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.” The more prepared you are, the less self-conscious you’re going to be and as a result, less giggles. Practice so that you’ll have a sense of what it feels like to roll down thigh high lace stockings while balancing in stilettos.

Keep Going

If you get distracted and lose focus during your striptease, and you forgot to take your hat off, thus making you feel like laughing, go back to Tip #1. You’re an actor and you’re playing a part. It’s role playing. Go for it. Carmen Electra’s got nothing on you.

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